Infertility - Dealing With it the Second Time Around

Infertility is something most people don't talk about. Most people feel awkward talking about it. Those dealing with it tend to just silently keep it inside. They feel as though they are torn apart on the inside, while wearing a smile on the outside. People who have never dealt with it don't know what to say, so, oftentimes, stay silent.

Infertility is officially described as "the inability to successfully conceive after a year of having unprotected sex". This includes those who have never gotten pregnant, as well as those who have had miscarriages (especially multiple, as this is a sign that something is not right).

Infertility is something I'm all too familiar with. I am, in fact, going through my second time around with it. I dealt with infertility with our first daughter. It took two years and we went through two losses in the process before we were finally blessed with her (the month we began testing/treatments for infertility). 

As of now, we are in the beginning of our third year trying for our second, and, so far, have not had any luck. We are in the midst of our first cycle with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor). All of the monitoring, shots, blood work, and meds can be intimidating, but, if it brings us our second little miracle, then it will be worth every bit!

Secondary Infertility is VERY Real
Secondary infertility is often not regarded as very serious by a lot of people. Most people come to the conclusion that you aren't infertile if you've already had a baby. This just isn't true. Infertility can hit anyone and can happen at any time--even after having one, or two, or more babies. 

Not only is secondary infertility very real, the emotions that go along with it and the pain it causes is also very, very real. Most of those dealing with secondary infertility have always envisioned a family of a number of kids, like most people do, and, though grateful for their child(ren) they currently have, feel incomplete -- like a piece of their family puzzle is missing. Most with only one child feel guilty for the inability to give their child a sibling (and some are begged for one by their child, which just breaks their hearts even further). The thought of never experiencing pregnancy again or holding a newborn again is enough to throw a woman dealing with secondary infertility into a fit of tears and a pit of despair and depression. Add that to seeing everyone else have two, three, four, or more kids (especially watching multiple kids conceived and born by some people in the time you have been trying). It is a very emotionally heartbreaking and taxing ordeal. 

To add insult to injury, fertility treatments are not cheap either! They are downright expensive and none of them give you a 100% guarantee of success. 

Wrong Statements/Ideas about Secondary Infertility

A lot of those dealing with infertility are made to feel guilty, as if longing for a second child and going through infertility treatments is showing ingratitude for the child they have. They are often told "Be thankful you have your son/daughter," which is absurd because, of course, they are thankful for their child! Does the inability to have another child magically make them unable to love more than one child, and undeserving of another? Don't people plan for second/third/etc. children most of the time? Why are they more deserving or never questioned about their "gratefulness" of their other children when they have their other kids? 

Another misconception that people often have (as stated above) is assuming that because you have been pregnant before or have had a child before that you are not infertile. They often say "Well, you know you can get pregnant". This does nothing for the person dealing with it. There are many, many couples who have been trying 10+ years, or even longer, for a second child. Many of these couples conceived the first child with absolutely no problems whatsoever. Some of these couples are never able to have a second child. Things can change to cause the infertility, like the man's swimmers can diminish, hormones can change, scars can be caused by trauma during the first birth or previous surgeries or c-sections, sometimes the reason is unknown. Whatever the case, if they have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year, they are medically infertile, child or no. 

Others are made to feel guilty about the money they are spending on secondary infertility treatments, as if they are taking the food out of their other kids' mouths. No, secondary infertility treatments are not cheap, but don't you think they would get pregnant for free if they could--like so many other people in the world every single day? Many, many, MANY people get pregnant every single day with no savings or less money on hand than a lot of those dealing with secondary infertility. What somebody spends their money on is really none of your business unless you, personally, have contributed. Adding to their family is important to them, so just wish them well, especially since they are dealing with so much emotionally as it is. 

Worse yet, people with more than one child will sometimes say "I wish I only had one!" or "You don't know how good you have it". For somebody dealing with secondary infertility, these statements are akin to taking that person's heart out of their chest and doing a set of jumping jacks all over it. A person with secondary infertility needs their feelings to be validated, not shrugged off or belittled. 

Facts about Infertility

It takes two to tango. Infertility is not only a woman's problem. It can be caused by the man, woman, or a combination of the two. Treatment for the woman without checking the man is potentially pointless in 50% of cases since 50% of cases of infertility are because of the man. 

You are not alone. One in eight couples are dealing with infertility. 

Not just lack of positive tests. Infertility includes those who are unable to carry a baby to term, not just those who are unable to conceive at all.